On June 24th, 2014, I received my first “promise ring” from this guy that I was dating. I was SO excited, you would have thought that I was engaged lol! I would flaunt it with such pride, that whole day. I remember weeks before telling this guy what I wanted for our “6 month anniversary”, (at the time this was my first REAL boyfriend, so I figured six months was a big deal), how I wanted my ring to be, how I wanted him to give it to me…I even told him I wanted him to ask my dad, if he could get me a ring (doing the absolute most!) You could see, that I controlled the whole situation and I don’t say that in a bragging way, but in a way of “this is obviously not going anywhere…” “This is out of order” and clearly, “I have a huge problem within myself…” I was such a controlling and manipulative WRECK! He did everything I wanted/said on that day. Now granted, he threw in his “own twist”, by not getting the style I wanted the ring lol…How is this toxic? I should be happy that someone wanted me happy…so where’s the poison? Here’s the thing, I love taking pictures, and social media glorifies picture taking…So my relationship was extremely public with pictures. According to social media, we were the “ideal couple”, the “goals”…but what the viewers did not know was that there was another side of our relationship that was set to private. No one knew that behind the smiling faces and “I love you’s”, I (can only speak for myself) was battling keeping this guy, because everyone “loved us” or keeping my relationship with the Lord sacred and true. That I was really struggling to keep purity and holiness part of my “Christian walk. I believe with all my heart that SO many people struggle with that, simply because the “likes” and “comments” feel so good to have. So many, have grown so comfortable with this person to the point where you feel there won’t be another one or this is “as good as it gets”
Later that night we fought about something, and I’m sure it was small, but it was so bad to the point where I cried and did not want to “communicate” with him because I didn’t feel connected to him to do so. So I decided to shut him out, and tried to just go to bed. But, my “Spirit Man” was hungry for some Jesus, I was so upset and growing confused of the whole relationship, so I got up, put my worship music on, and waited for the Lord to speak…whatever He was about to say, I was ready to hear. Well, at least I thought I was…
Before I go further let’s stop…Isn’t it funny, or should I say AMAZING how we can just go to the feet of our savior at any time, during any struggle, and just pour our heart tears, fears, and frustrations out on him?? He doesn’t tell us to set an appointment, come to him when our lives are in order, or tells us he’s busy? He is WAITING for us to come to him, SO he can speak…but do we REALLY want to hear?
As I’m worshipping and crying out, the Lord stops me and says in such a “still, peaceful tone”…. “My daughter, I need you to end this relationship. It WILL get worse before it gets better.” Let me PAUSE right there…
When I heard those words, it’s almost like my world stopped. Because I knew exactly what “relationship” he was talking about. I also knew what he meant when he said, “…it WILL get worse…”
Fast forward 6 more months, giving this “thing”, a year at fighting against the will of God. In this relationship I had eventually gone back to my old way of living, of lying, allowing lust to win, quickly to anger, and just flat out ignoring the voice of God. I was willing to destroy the things the Lord had begun in me, with my way of living. I was giving all that up, all the dreams and visions, all the desires…JUST to keep the “guy I loved”. Which it wasn’t love, because it was built on the exact opposite of love, which is lust? Yes, lust and deceit. I cared more about keeping this guy in my life more than anything. At the time, I was a youth leader in church and I felt so ashamed and hypocritical that I just stopped going to church, I stopped listening to my favorite speakers and preachers, I even stopped reading my word and praying truthfully. Why, did I do all that? I’m not sure how the Lord speaks to you during worship…but if I’m doing something I have no business doing, and the Lord needs it to stop, he often tells me in my worship moments, and many times he will explain why I should stop…No, he doesn’t remind me of how horrible of a person I am, and he doesn’t scream to me. He speaks in a soft, calm, peaceful voice.
As I would TRY to worship, this toxic relationship would always come to my mind, and the Lord would try to love me out of it, and I was so over Him doing that. SO instead of running to Him to get the strength to get out of it, I ran away from Him, and I ran away from worship. My arms were lifted, but my heart was so far from it… I had gone back to my old self. My old way of living.
Six more months pass and I am STILL in this relationship, and it has definitely worsened. The verbal arguments, have turned into physical arguments, lust and deceit has taken completely over, and neither of us were spiritually connected. I had grown really tired. Tired of really wanting to worship and hear from the Lord, but didn’t feel worthy enough or that I couldn’t worship because I was so comfortable with my sinful relationship and if I were to tap into the Presence of God, he would instruct me to “end it”.
We ended up going two years, well I will say that I ended up going two years of disobeying what the Lord told me to end years prior. Two years of allowing the one thing keeping me from hearing from the Lord, destroy my mindset on relationships, love, and my fear for God, and even on friendship. I had allowed something, to steal 2 years of my walk with the Lord, 2 years I will not get back. Simply because I chose to disobey, and allow my flesh to get what it wants…
So what was my point in sharing so much? I have been coming across many girls, younger girls between the ages of 16-20 reaching out on social media for validation that these kind of relationships are OKAY. They are not! Anything that hinders you from hearing the Lord, is a DISTRACTION from the enemy. Anything or anyone that the Lord tells you to get out of or rid of, you NEED to, because while we see only today, the Lord sees 6 months, 6 years from now. I believe that most girls that are in high school, would love to have that “high school sweetheart” type of love, and those are sweet love stories, but that may not be your love story. You might meet him in college. At your first real job. At church. At a gas station. At a volunteer service event. You just have to TRUST that the Lord, created YOU, so he knows the things you like and the things you NEED. And if you ARE in the situation I was in, where you grew so comfortable with feeling confused, stuck, lonely and trying to call it love…NO sis! That’s not God, He isn’t a God of comfortability, confusion, or unrest. He’s the opposite of all that, and he wants you to be the same, and I’m sure the last thing He wants is for his Precious Masterpiece of a Daughter to get attached to anything that blocks us from hearing His voice or from obeying His instruction.
After I ended this relationship that should have never been… I can honestly say that I have never heard the voice of my Sweet SAVIOR so much clearer. It was so much easier, and lighter to worship Him, because the weight of my sin was not holding me down. I was free. I was available to be used by the Lord. And he is indeed using me. I started acting by faith with my girl’s ministry. Getting blessings that were overflowing! And it’s been 2 years since the breakup, and in these two years, I’ve had such an intimate relationship with the Lord. Granted, some guys have tried to come in between…BUT I could NEVER go back to how I was. So, NEXT lol. I want to give some practical tips on how to be freed from a “comfortable” situation-sip:
- PRAY for strength to tap out. Look, to some it’s easy to just break it off and leave. For some, it can be so hard, especially if this person became your “best friend”.
- Speak scriptures over yourself. Daily. Scriptures on Holiness in ALL areas, Love, what/who the Lord calls you, Obedience, etc.
- Do NOT. I repeat, DO NOT listen to emotional, depressing love songs! They do NOT help, cope. They just add more frustration, shame, and discouragement. Instead, put you some worship on, and cast those emotional thoughts onto the Lord.
- Get up and DRESSED! Don’t mope around the house. Do your hair, polish your nails, and put clothes on!
- Serve somewhere. At church, in your community, at school. Serve.
- Read your Word. Read about the women in the bible that changed the World, even to this day.
- Learn YOU. Learn what you don’t like, what you like to do, favorite foods, learn a foreign language (there are apps!), learn to cook etc.
- Hang with your girls! And don’t spend this time talking about guys. Get to know each other. Talk
- Worship the Lord with all your life.
- Have a SET time that you and the Lord can have together, that’s uninterrupted. That you look forward to every day.
These 10 tips, are not a formula, and they are not in any order. These are just the things I did so that I could properly get back to how I was before this relationship.(I also want to say, this is NOT to bash my ex, because I played a part…and that he was not a bad person, he and I just were not for each other.)
I pray for you my sweet sister. I pray that you don’t allow the world to bully you into thinking you HAVE to be in a relationship to matter. Because you don’t, and the Lord can/will use you right where you are in your singleness! You are loved. You are worth the pursue. You are valuable. You are more than enough. You are NOT too deep. Your standards are NOT too high. You are Beautifully and wonderfully made my dear.
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